My Raunchy VASECTOMY Poem!

planned-parenthood

When you’re tired of stressing about birth,
The solution is oh so plain to see;
No more rolling condoms on your girth–
Vasectomy!

She can stop taking those nasty pills,
Flushing hormones from her pee,
Making downstream animals ill:
Vasectomy!

But you don’t want it to burn when you piss.
I know, you’re worried about an STD!
Well, all I have to say is this–
Monogamy!

Stop putting such a burden on poor women.
Take on your own responsibility.
No more sperm in your semen swimmin–
Vasectomy!

No more, ‘Where’s my baby’s mama?’
No more abortion pleas.
No more Hitlers or Osamas–
Vasectomy!

Overpopulation is the world’s bane.
To global life it is a curse.
Don’t worry about the procedure’s pain,
You’ve felt so much worse.

It’s nothing like a kidney stone,
Really not a big deal.
Nothing like a broken bone.
You won’t even miss a meal!

After the Novocaine makes you numb
All you feel is a gentle tug,
Of total discomfort a tiny sum,
And the strange smell of a burning rug.

That’s the sealing of your vas deferens tube.
Now your billion bastard babies perish inside–
On your body, a brilliant medical rube!
With scars tiny, not a centimeter wide.

And if you want to raise a child,
Think about the most righteous option;
It’s really not an idea so wild–
Adoption!

Never again a pregnancy scare,
Worrying, stressing, feeling sick,
Pulling at the roots of your hair,
Waiting on that piss-soaked stick.

And think of all the fun to be had!
Sex any time, anywhere.
Leave the rubbers at your pad,
Now you can raw dog in there!

Get it on wherever you are;
Almost any quiet place will do–
The movies, the back of a bar;
Even a Starbuck’s drive-thru!

Free to be
Forever me–
Vasectomy!

Enjoy that? Check out my revenge-on-Monsanto debut novel Orange Rain HERE!

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7 thoughts on “My Raunchy VASECTOMY Poem!

    1. Jan Smitowicz Post author

      Haha, that’s hilarious! That’d be terrific, at least for high school kids (we know many of them are having sex, let’s act like adults & not patronize them)! Although something tells me parents wouldn’t be too keen on the idea….

      At the VERY LEAST, I think condoms should be widely & readily & discreetly available *FOR FREE* at every high school in America. Just imagine the number of lives that’d be spared the horrific ordeal of teenage pregnancy! To say nothing of the uncountable benefits resulting from lowered unwanted-pregnancy rates.

      Thanks for your great comment!

      Jan

      Reply
      1. coffeegrounded

        Keep tapping your fingers across a keyboard. Your writing is riveting in a riotous manner. I don’t give a flip for Monsanto and that politically correct crap belongs in TRASH just so I can have the pleasure of hitting my delete key. 😉

        Reply
    1. Jan Smitowicz Post author

      Thanks so much for the kind words! I encourage you to check out my debut novel Orange Rain, a wild, darkly funny post-Vietnam revenge on Monsanto story. It’s available on Amazon in paperback and e-book; if you simply search “Smitowicz,” my writings are the ONLY thing that show up! I’ll also be publishing my wildly creative, captivating, blackly humorous prison memoir Rebel Hell: Disabled Vegan Goes to Prison within the next couple months…sign up for my once-a-month-or-less e-newsletter for special offers, exclusive content and sneak peeks, and much more! Thanks again ❤

      Jan

      Reply

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